The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
