I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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