i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
