Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
wow bdsm is so cute
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