i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
