im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
