we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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