i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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