Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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