$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
