I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Randomize
