OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
