I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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