Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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