i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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