there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
