He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
