I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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