Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
