I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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