I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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