I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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