you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
4 words: hood of his car
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
