I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
