There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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