I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
