Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
