Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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