Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
