Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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