i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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