she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
