ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
