she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
