That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
