the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
