Your dad touched me again.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
