I must be too annoying 4 u.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
