If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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