I accidentally burped into my bong.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
