i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
