The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
