Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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