They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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