I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
