i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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