My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
