so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
