Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
