i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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