my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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