The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
